HOLY COW!!! I had a HELL of a workout today with Marci!!  She made me do these awful things with balls, and walls. It was so hard!! LOL... sorry, sometimes I'm a 13 year old boy.  So, I have a whole new routine to work through.  I am getting back to writing in my food journal.  I have a plan to get off soda and a little different outlook on my food choices.  I need to work on drinking water and NOT drinking beer.  Somehow over the last few years I have learned to love beer. My favorite thing to do these days is Hanover's on Thursday night karaoke.  It requires me to drink lots of Blue Moon.  So, as much as I love it, it is not good for me and I need to limit it.  I am stoked to begin this new routine.  I am excited to feel strong and gain endurance.  When all this fat falls off, I might have a 6-pack under there!!!!
There you go... and here I go!
BTW, when Marci called me to go workout, I had just opened a really cold Devil's Backbone.  The beer we've been waiting a year for to come out... it's seasonal from Real Ale.  Love it.. and I was gonna drink it and blow off the gym.  God had other plans... and so did Marci.  She is so great.  She's helping me out just because and though she tried to kill me, she encouraged me every step of the way through every plank and push up and wall sit. God has put some amazing people in my life since we moved up here.  I am so thankful and I feel like I really have a chance to do this!!
 
Other than winning $100 today on scratch-offs, today was not my best day.  Didn't make it to the gym and my food choices well... this calls for a story.  Maybe you will see what a crackhead I am about food.  I was running late this morning...woke up 15 minutes before I had to leave.  So, no breakfast. I pulled into McDs and got a sausage biscuit.  So not cool, but wait there's more.  I am tired so I use that as an excuse to get a freaking SODA!! I work until 2pm with no lunch and have errands to run so I am starving.  When errands are done, instead of going home and having a sandwich or even stopping to get a salad, I start craving, you won't believe this, a freaking Hostess Zinger.  So, I pull into a convenience store to get a zinger...yes, a zinger.  While checking out telling the clerk that I picked up a snack for the kids (No, I'm not unhealthy at all) I see the scratch offs there at the counter and decide...what the hell... and there it is.  For cheating and sneaking, I win $100!! How's that for positive reinforcement?!
I think that there is a little bit of reason behind my crazy behavior today.  It makes no sense, but here it is.  My last patient today was a mean nasty woman.  She came in with an attitude, adjusted my blinds, turned off the tv in the room with a scowl.  She also refused xrays and would not allow me to lean back her chair back... those of you who are hygienists, know the kind of patient I'm talking about.  So, when you can't lean a patient back it is very hard to get to their mouth to actually clean the teeth.  I was leaning against her due to this fact and I said to her that it's difficult to access her mouth this way and I needed her to turn more towards me...suddenly she realized I am touching her with my fat and she jumps away from me and grunts like I'm the most disgusting thing she's ever seen.  I then decide to do her cleaning standing up and try to avoid touching her.  It was humiliating and hurtful, I'm not gonna lie.  Here's the really ironic part...when the doctor got in there for her exam she couldn't wait to tell him about her new book she's just had published... a book about the LOVE OF JESUS!!  Go figure... and we wonder why people hate Christians!!  Sorry... I digress... total my intake of soda was 3 large dr peppers today.  Sushi for dinner that wasn't too bad, but I feel awful.  Hitting the gym with my trainer tomorrow at 8:30. NO EXCUSES!!  So, thanks for reading my pity party.  Back on the wagon tomorrow. At least a got a hundred bucks outta the day.
Oh, and RIP Dick Clark... he was never fat.
 
I didn't want to go to the gym today...but I did.  I have been seriously struggling with sugar all weekend. Eating better still overall. I went to the the gym on Saturday and I walked that evening with my friend and neighbor Karyn.  It was less than a mile but still kept a decent pace.  Sunday was a no exercise day.  I was lazy and maybe recovering from Hanovers with the girls Saturday night. LOL.  So, I'm glad Chris got me back to the gym today.  I actually went through my circuit 3 times for the first time. YAY ME!! I made an appt with the trainer for Thursday to take me through some core strengthening exercises.  I'm hoping to add those to my circuit. I have a feeling they are going to suck!!  I have had 4 C-sections and my core is WEAK!! I want to be strong like bull in my core...but right now I am weak like fat girl. I can feel the workouts getting easier.  Walking, I can go further.
The food is my demon right now. It kills me to ruin those calories burned by all the exercise by having a sugar binge.  I have done ok, with soda.  I have had one or two...not gonna lie. I think about them all the time. It's sick really. Sigh...  So, that's that for tonight. Tomorrow is a new day for food choices!
 
Carbs... I love them... all forms of them. Bread, pasta, potatoes, SUGAR!  They all are the hardest part of this journey. Today's demon took the form of pasta and bread.  I really meant to have a salad.  They brought it to the table all warm and delicious aroma wafting from the basket.  I can't say no... or I won't...yet!  So, food choices today were not great, but NO SODA!!  Yay Shay!!!  But really, how could I have a soda after reading the little tidbit Susan Rives posted on my wall.  It hurts me.  My feelings for soda are so strong.  It is my heroin.  I have to decide every hour that I am quitting it.  So little victory there with soda today.
Another one was the gym!!!!! I went at an ungodly hour this morning. I did cardio today.  I did a 5 minute warmup on the bike then got on the treadmill.  I made the mistake of hitting quickstart on the control and after a few minutes it was killing me.  I couldn't remember it being so bad last time.  I trudged along and got to 11 minutes and my heart rate was through the roof.  So, I stopped... then I looked at the incline and it was on 7!  No wonder I was dying.  So, I am feeling pretty darn proud that I did 11 minutes.  Anyway, after work we had a carnival at the kids school.  The school is seriously in my backyard, but the prob is there no way to get to it without going around... normally this fat girl drives! But today, I decided on my own to WALK to the carnival and back and I did!  I made it without having to stop.  I was so freaking proud.  I realize to most of you this is nothing... and honestly the walking wasn't bad at all.  BUT my CHOICE to do it was huge for me.  I will take these little victories where I can get them. 
 
Warning: This may be a word vomit kind of entry.  So much has happened in the last couple of days and I am trying to process it all. Yesterday wasn't my best day of choices.  Sugar keeps calling to me and I try really hard not to answer, but I do and it takes me away.  I also didn't make it to the gym yesterday.  Here's what happened and it's kinda the story of my life...I was off work and the house was seriously a wreck.  Like call CPS on me there are no clean clothes kind of wreck. Chris left me with several tasks including laundry, grocery store run, and general cleaning.  I said ok Honey.  Then I turned on Downton Abbey and I was surprised when Chris walked in at lunch and I really hadn't moved from the chair. I finished the whole 1st season.  Funny... that wasn't on my to do list yesterday.  I felt awful.  Then I went to the grocery store and spent $300 on "healthy" food.  Dang healthy food is expensive!!  I haven't found a protein shake I can stomach. I did get some greek yogurt that is yummy.  It's just super expensive! While out shopping I succumbed to soda addiction and had a vanilla dr pepper.  It was delicious... I know it's wrong, but if loving it is wrong... I don't want to be right! Ok not true, I do want to be right, but it just makes me happy.
So that takes us to today... Today was full of all kinds of Doctors appts. First the GI doc for an evaluation of how my stomach is holding up from the stomach stapling procedure.  He is very concerned about my liver.  It seems very inflamed, enlarged and tender.  I get an ultrasound of that in a few weeks.  I also get an endoscopy to look at my guts.  What kills me is this... serious confession time here... I weigh 300lbs.  Thats two rather large people, that's like 3 small people.  I weighed 326lbs when I had surgery 13 years ago... and here I go again. How can I have put that back on???  Carnie Wilson had her surgery the very same day I did 13 years ago and she's fat again too.  Now I am trying to get another surgery approved to revise this one to a gastric bypass.  It's really scary, but I can't eat the things I need to eat to be healthy.  So, I am doing it again.  My plan is to go into it already losing, already exercising, with a much different attitude.  I need a major attitude adjustment... on that note, I went to see the hypnotist today.  It was interesting and I am determined to use every tool available to succeed this time. So, I am starting hypnotherapy and exercising and seeking weight loss surgery and I am going to do this!!  I will have to say I wanted to giggle a little while she was doing the hypnotizing thing.  It's kinda funny like I felt like a was being punk'd. We'll see!  Having an open mind. I appreciate any prayers you might have for me.  I can't do this alone.  I'm sorry for this rambling today.  I had to a lot to process and this helps. Going to the gym in a bit... for real I am!! Thanks for your support!

 
I went to the freaking gym today.  I have decided that as much as I detest early morning waking, I enjoy the gym more then than after work. I was dragging today.  My cute little 12 year old trainer (not really, but he might as well be. LOL He's probably 22) was there cheering me on. He's great...just young and fit and annoyingly cute and happy.  sigh... My food choices have been ok... no soda though I desperately wanted one.  I had a sandwich for lunch and salad for dinner.  Not getting enough protein and my diet has too much fat and carbs.  I have an appointment with an exercise physiologist and nutritionist next month.  I am hoping to learn something good from them.  I did have a peep...not gonna lie.  But just one cute little yellow one.  I'm sitting here thinking about the candy bar on the kitchen table...the kids wouldn't miss it.  I am determined to refrain.  Why do you crave sugar so badly after you eat a meal? Or is it just me???
I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to the simple things about not being so damn fat.  I have broken a rolling chair at work due to my fat butt sitting in it.  I have to get on an airplane in a couple of weeks...gonna have to ask for a seatbelt extender. SOOOOO embarrassing... not to mention the look on people's face when they see they have to sit by me. I feel it sometimes too when I clean people's teeth.  They hate to have to be so close to so much of me.  And I am always so freaking hot!!!!!  I am a walking sweatshop. I just want to be a healthy somewhat normal size person.  So, no scale right now.  Just doing the work and knowing that I am going to feel better.  Thanks for coming along on this journey.  I sooo needed a good day today. I am going to have one tomorrow too! 
 
I failed again with the soda. I am so angry that I can't have them.  I went without (mostly:() for 40 days, but after all that time I "treated myself" to one yesterday, then one turned into 3 and I'm hooked again.  I made better food choices today.  That's something, right? I had carrots dipped in low fat blue cheese for dinner. No peeps today. I did have a Cadbury egg though. Thanks Easter bunny you demon!!!  It's sugar... I crave it. I don't understand how I make these choices.  I know what I need to do. I can feel it more than ever before, but then I get so damn pissed off that I can't have the things I want. Anyway, so I had to confess.  While I'm confessing, I didn't go to the gym either.  No excuse.  Just didn't .  So, before work I am going. I can't let this go. Slowly, but surely, even if it's 1 step forward and 2 steps back, I will get this done.  Looking forward to my session with the hypnotist this week. Ok... enough.  I appreciate those who read this putting up with my whining and ranting.  Good night!!
 
OK, it's the Monday after Easter, I'm home with the kids and I am supposed to be super motivated...I'm not feeling it. My fridge is out and I needed to fix some breakfast.  I used that as an excuse to run and get the kids something...pigs and donuts. I know that was a bad choice. I could have gone to Subway and got a low cal egg white sandwich.  Nope... not my choice.  I almost got out of there without getting myself something... but then I saw the apple fritters. DAMN YOU APPLE FRITTERS!!  So, the really ironic thing is that the donut place is literally next door to my gym.  I parked right in front of my gym door to go into the donut place.  It didn't stop me.  This is why I want to try hypnosis. I need to get this food choice thing under control. As soon as the repair guy leaves I am going to the gym.  That should motivate me.  Writing apple fritter down in my food journal should too.  My goal is to not succumb to soda today.  I can do this.  I am going to conquer this!!