Warning: This may be a word vomit kind of entry.  So much has happened in the last couple of days and I am trying to process it all. Yesterday wasn't my best day of choices.  Sugar keeps calling to me and I try really hard not to answer, but I do and it takes me away.  I also didn't make it to the gym yesterday.  Here's what happened and it's kinda the story of my life...I was off work and the house was seriously a wreck.  Like call CPS on me there are no clean clothes kind of wreck. Chris left me with several tasks including laundry, grocery store run, and general cleaning.  I said ok Honey.  Then I turned on Downton Abbey and I was surprised when Chris walked in at lunch and I really hadn't moved from the chair. I finished the whole 1st season.  Funny... that wasn't on my to do list yesterday.  I felt awful.  Then I went to the grocery store and spent $300 on "healthy" food.  Dang healthy food is expensive!!  I haven't found a protein shake I can stomach. I did get some greek yogurt that is yummy.  It's just super expensive! While out shopping I succumbed to soda addiction and had a vanilla dr pepper.  It was delicious... I know it's wrong, but if loving it is wrong... I don't want to be right! Ok not true, I do want to be right, but it just makes me happy.
So that takes us to today... Today was full of all kinds of Doctors appts. First the GI doc for an evaluation of how my stomach is holding up from the stomach stapling procedure.  He is very concerned about my liver.  It seems very inflamed, enlarged and tender.  I get an ultrasound of that in a few weeks.  I also get an endoscopy to look at my guts.  What kills me is this... serious confession time here... I weigh 300lbs.  Thats two rather large people, that's like 3 small people.  I weighed 326lbs when I had surgery 13 years ago... and here I go again. How can I have put that back on???  Carnie Wilson had her surgery the very same day I did 13 years ago and she's fat again too.  Now I am trying to get another surgery approved to revise this one to a gastric bypass.  It's really scary, but I can't eat the things I need to eat to be healthy.  So, I am doing it again.  My plan is to go into it already losing, already exercising, with a much different attitude.  I need a major attitude adjustment... on that note, I went to see the hypnotist today.  It was interesting and I am determined to use every tool available to succeed this time. So, I am starting hypnotherapy and exercising and seeking weight loss surgery and I am going to do this!!  I will have to say I wanted to giggle a little while she was doing the hypnotizing thing.  It's kinda funny like I felt like a was being punk'd. We'll see!  Having an open mind. I appreciate any prayers you might have for me.  I can't do this alone.  I'm sorry for this rambling today.  I had to a lot to process and this helps. Going to the gym in a bit... for real I am!! Thanks for your support!

4/12/2012 10:01:15 am

Hang in there!!! You can do this!! One day at a time!! Have you set some small goals with non food rewards? It use to help me back in the day.. Good Luck!

4/12/2012 10:51:18 am

Shay I am in the same boat as you. Sugar is my downfall. I wish we lived closer we could help each other out. Good luck. Love ya

4/12/2012 01:18:06 pm

We're with ya! We know you can do this! We suffer with all of these issues as well.

4/16/2012 11:24:27 am

I just have to say, I am totally against the bypass surgery. Your issues are still going to be there just because you get a smaller stomach doesn't fix them. I think counseling and hypnotherapy is such a better choice for you. With your health you could die during surgery. Getting down to the bottom of why you eat is a much safer and realistic direction! Even Carney Wilson said she fell right back into her bad eating habits and that is why she is fat again, I too am guilty of this. I too am a carb a holic! Carney will be fat again because I don't think she is addressing the reasons she uses food as her drug and you, going to counseling and hypnotherapy will address those issues and get skinny healthfully and all on your own. Please think and pray about this, I feel so strongly about this. Loves!


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